An ode to Paul Rudd, in epistolary form
Dear young straight men of America,
Listen, I didn’t want to have to be the one to tell you this. It’s going to be a little tough to hear. But, I think you have a right to know. It’s about your girlfriend.
She’s in love with Paul Rudd.
It’s rough, but let’s just admit it now: you can’t compete with Paul Rudd. There are several reasons why this is true, and the sooner you accept them, the sooner you can learn to be the very best second choice your girlfriend could ever dream of. Let’s go through them. I’ll try to be gentle.
1. Your girlfriend’s been in love with Paul Rudd since before you knew her.
The only way that this is not true is if you knew your girlfriend previous to 1995. In 1995, a very special thing called Clueless happened to the girls of the world. Now, you may see Clueless as just a likable teen comedy of the 90s. Not so for your girlfriend. For her, this film is a timeless classic that was watched repeatedly during her most formative years, possibly starting before she even understood half the references. It will always be one of her favorite films. Though you may not notice, she quotes it on a daily basis.
In Clueless, Paul Rudd plays Josh, the older ex-step brother of our heroine, Cher. By the end of the film, the two will embark on a romance. You may think there’s something iffy about this plot, what with them having once been step-siblings, but your girlfriend doesn’t. She knows that Josh was perfect, with his shy grin and stupid jokes and total non-threatening-ness, despite being an older man. This was everything your girlfriend dreamed of, when she was 13.
2. Paul Rudd is cut from marble.
The words spoken of Paul Rudd’s character Andy in the brilliant, bizarre comedy Wet Hot American Summer are not just a joke. They are also completely true of his actual self. Have you looked at Paul Rudd? I mean, really. And he’s looked like that for the last 15 years. The guy doesn’t age. He is the same guy your girlfriend fell in love with at 13, except now she’s a grown woman who would reeeeeally know what to do with him in bed.
3. Despite being cut from marble, Paul Rudd is obviously the nicest guy in the world.
You just can’t fake that kind of affability! Everything about his demeanor just screams that he can’t wait to make you some waffles and chat with your mom.
4. Paul Rudd is funnier than you.
98% of women say that what they most want out of a man is for him to be able to make her laugh. You might be able to do that. But not as well as Paul Rudd.
Now, you’ll say that Paul Rudd has been in a few good comedies, and then a whole lot of really crappy ones. This may be true. Unfortunately for you, all it does is highlight how amazing Paul Rudd is, since he instantly becomes the best thing about all of those crappy movies. Paul Rudd needs a new agent, but he is still Paul Rudd.
In conclusion, there is nothing you can do to make your girlfriend like you more than she likes Paul Rudd. The good news is that there is only one Paul Rudd in the world, and this is not enough Paul Rudd to go around. Your girlfriend was not the lucky woman who married Paul Rudd. And now she is with you. All you can do is go forth and do your best to be as Paul Rudd-y as you can, to keep her happy.
I know you can do it. Start with those waffles.