Film Review – Kunoichi: Lady Ninja

Kunoichi: Lady Ninja opens with bad guys storming a sanctuary for women (known as a convent). Heads (and eye balls) roll – literally. Then the daughter of the original owner of the convent comes back and scares away the bad guys. The convent hires the help of paid assassins to defend the convent against further attack. Meanwhile, the remaining women train to be ninjas.

There are additional battles between the some other bad guys, who are some sort of evil warlords with magic powers, and the remaining women, complete with hokey effects and fighting. The main bad guy is capturing brides and grooms for his own sexual purposes, so the paid assassin thinks some of them should get married to lure the bad guy to them. It works and then they infiltrate the stronghold as submissive women. But they’re actually ninjas. But the bad guys refer to them as Hori women and I keep thinking they mean whore-y women. Weird. One of the bad guys has energy bullet magi and can shoot invisible bullets (an endless supply) out of his hands that blow things up. The guy winds up a major one and throws an energy ball at one of the lady ninjas. She somehow absorbs it with a glowing light from her vagina – yes, really that just happened. She throws it back at the guy and he explodes. What just happened?!

There’s more useless plot and then three of the girls get hung up on crosses as bait for the other ninjas. The monk hands out various ass whoopins (way more than the lady ninjas, in fact) and fights the bad guys in one crazy blow out at the end. Then all of their collective magic glass eyeballs combine to make a super sweet sword for which to kill lots of bad guys. Not sure why she needed a magic sword –seems like a regular sword would have done the exact same thing.

I know this movie has a handful of wildly hilarious parts in it (not to mention the really bad heavy metal soundtrack thrown in), but it just doesn’t keep your attention. In fact, I fell asleep three or four times while watching it and had to back up so I didn’t miss anything. If you fast forwarded to some funny parts, it might be worth watching, but as an entire movie, it’s kind of a dud that doesn’t make a whole lot of linear sense. Not recommended.

(1 out of 5 fus)


I'm a cross between Taylor Swift and Danzig, with a small dose of Christpher Burke thrown in. I like fried foods wrapped in bacon and I collect B-movies and kung-fu films. I host a regularly-occuring Bad Movie Night for 20-30 of my closest friends—jealous, aren't you?

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