Film Review – Roller Blade Seven

Roller Blade Seven is a really awful post-apocalyptic movie by this terrible director who puts roller skates, roller blades, and skateboards in a bunch of movies that are all stupid. I’m a bit confused about the plot of this movie. It’s kind of like Mad Max in that it takes place in a dessert. Which is doubly funny since it appears relatively easy to sneak up on people, despite the sever lack of any sort of obstacle or tree to hide behind and sneak up on someone. To add to this, there are miles and miles of concrete throughout the desert which makes it much easier to skate around.

Father Donaldo (the director of the film) sends a girl in an incredible hot (in the 80’s) ripped swimsuit and roller blades into the Wheel Zone with a samurai sword while he repeats ridiculous advice ad nauseum. Hawk (the producer of the film) has been summoned by Father Donaldo to go after their sister who has been captured and taken to the Wheel Zone. Rhonda Shear (amazing host of USA’s Up All Night) is some sort of security guard / gatekeeper of the Wheel Zone. She harasses this guy dressed as Elvis for not wearing skates, and then lets Hawk, a long-haired guy with a receding hairline, through without problem. Hawk fights a couple ninjas on skates and eventually catches up to his sister as she’s killed.

Hawk tries to get out of the wheel zone and is confronted by a stupid clown wielding nerf baseball bats uselessly and eventually becomes his friend. I’m unsure of how ANY of this happens since there is no dialogue during this part of the movie – only terrible music playing while various people skate around in circles and fight each other and mostly pose with swords in their hands. Simply stupid. They actually fight to banjo music, which angers me considerably.

Hawk meets up with a spirit guide and also with Karen Black (who you’d recognize since she’s been in like 200 movies, but never actually “made it”). Neither of these people serves any purpose at all, aside from feeding Hawk Psychedelic mushrooms and teaching him to roller skate. There’s a guy named Pharaoh in a lather mask and a wheel chair who is clearly a bad guy with a gravel-y voice, but it isn’t really explained what his tie is to the movie. There’s a black night that seems to be pulling some strings as well, but I don’t get his role either. Oh wait, there’s also a random guy in shorts and sports coat sitting under an umbrella in the dessert. Seriously, none of the characters are connected.

This movie would be considerably shorter if they would cut out all of the repeated scenes. Seriously, there are like 25 instant replays for almost every scene. It’s AWFUL. These people spin around and face off with each other without ever swinging their swords that they don’t know how to use. Then there’s a significant use of smiley faces throughout the movie that I can’t tell if it’s kitsch or just someone’s little kid got on the set before each shot and put these things all over the place.

This is going straight to the second worst movie ever created, on my personal list. (Nothing will ever beat out Barn of the Blood Llama – ever.) The whole thing angered me and I wanted to punch the screen out of my tv. The acting in this film is brutally painful and just infuriating. There are completely unnatural and quirky head tilts that make people look like an insect and their hand motions throughout the film are moronic. I hated every second of this film. Not even Rhonda Shear could save this film. They should have taught some of the actors to skate before putting them in a movie called Roller Blade Seven. And for that matter, there aren’t seven of ANYTHING in this film!!! What is the significance of the SEVEN!!!!! This movie makes me want to kill.

That being said, I’m going to try to make it through the sequel to this movie without punching a goat in the spleen…

(0 out of 5 fus)

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I'm a cross between Taylor Swift and Danzig, with a small dose of Christpher Burke thrown in. I like fried foods wrapped in bacon and I collect B-movies and kung-fu films. I host a regularly-occuring Bad Movie Night for 20-30 of my closest friends—jealous, aren't you?

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