Film Review – Teeth

October 29th, 2009 | POSTED BY Chad Eng

Teeth is a film about a super goody-two-shoes high school girl who actively and militantly preaches abstinence. The reason she preaches is is due to the fact that her lady parts have teeth (I’m guessing because she was raised next to a nuclear power plant that is shown in as many shots as possible). Her step brother gets his finger bitten when they’re small kids playing in the wading pool out front. All of the kids make fun of her at school because of the abstinence thing, but clearly they don’t know about her fanged ‘gyna.

She gets herself a boyfriend who seems cool, but then basically assaults her. For his trouble he gets his Jansen bit off. She had a gynecologist check her out and he gets his finger bit off. Apparently, it’s only when she doesn’t want to be violated that the teeth come out. She nails this random guy that asked her out some days ago with complete success, and we do eventually get to see her nekid – which is nice. When she finds out she was part of a bet, his Jansen gets bit off as well. Here mom goes into the hospital because her step-brother ignored her screams for help. So she sleeps with him to bite his Jansen off. She does and then the dog eats it – ridiculous.

It’s a better movie than I thought it would be, but it’s not fantastic. Well acted, written, and directed, but there’s a reason it didn’t make a huge splash in Hollywood.

Jess Weixler, Teeth, vagina dentata