Schlock Shelf – RoboGeisha

Robogeisha starts with a guy running for the office of prime minister. His assistant comes in and tells him if he doesn’t withdraw from the election, his life will be forfeit. The future prime minister pledges his love to a dancing geisha who’s singing about baseball. He cops a feel on his lady friend and she freaks out and splits in half. Literally splits in half, and two scantily clad Japanese Goblins emerge from inside her. I can tell right away this movie is going to be awesome.

The robot girl leads the representative away from the ensuing martial arts extravaganza and a circular saw blade pops out of her mouth. Meanwhile, in the martial arts fray, the lady goblins fire ninja stars out of their asses—I’m not kidding—and kill the representatives assistant. Circular-saw-robot is interrupted by Robogeisha, who saves the representative from certain doom.

Flashback to Robogeisha’s childhood and we see her older sister is a fancy geisha. Robogeisha’s name used to be Yoshie, and she’s never going to be hot enough to be a geisha like her sister. Yoshie catches the eye of the president of a steel company. He sees that she has something special and invites her to dinner. They are attacked in the woods and Yoshie defends the guy, then runs away. The guy calls forth the previously seen lady goblins who spray the attacker with “hell’s breastmilk”—this seems to be acid sprayed from their breasts. It isn’t getting any more normal-sounding, is it?

Yoshie is recruited to be in the steel company’s secret military project where they’re making assassin geishas. Yoshie has to fight her sister to join the team, and they both end up being recruits. As they progress through their training, they are given special robotic cyborg-type “enhancements.” The two sisters are sent on a mission to prove themselves in the field, and the older sister gets hurt. However, Yoshie keeps moving up in the ranks and becomes a great assassin.

Yoshie fails at the mission but is given more chances. She is sent by the steel company to break up a troublesome ring of old folks. Yoshie finds out the old people are simply meeting to try to get their captured daughters back from the steel company. Yoshie knows many of their daughters and granddaughters, and tries to figure out a way to return the ladies to their families.

The film is done by the same people that did Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police, so there are some pretty hilarious fight scenes in this film, many of them involving ridiculous weapons sprouting from all sorts of places on ladies’ bodies. It’s quite amazing and now I’m worried I will have REALLY messed up dreams. The special effects in this film are really awful, but in that comical way that makes you hope to see more. There are some outlandish costumes and plot twists, but the movie is amusing. This might be a good one to watch with a group, since people won’t believe you when you tell them everything that happens in this movie.

(3 out of 5 fus)


I'm a cross between Taylor Swift and Danzig, with a small dose of Christpher Burke thrown in. I like fried foods wrapped in bacon and I collect B-movies and kung-fu films. I host a regularly-occuring Bad Movie Night for 20-30 of my closest friends—jealous, aren't you?

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