Schlock Shelf – (The Swedish Bikini Team in) Never Say…Never Mind

Never Say Never Mind PosterThe film opens in the rural countryside of England, present day (which appears to be the 8’s, even though the film was shot in 2003). An SUV pulls up to a mansion and out pop four hot blonde women dressed in sheer outfits—guess who? There are bad bad people inside talking about this group of female assassins right as they break into the mansion and apprehend them with all kinds of weird gadgets like James Bond. The ladies are looking for a hard drive with the plan, to erase the whole thing. What they don’t know is that one of the bad guys is from Indiana Jones.

One of the girls, Helga, is some sort of biologist studying plants in the Amazon, while wearing really whorey clothes. She’s found a woman-eating plant and some random guy is tracking her. The plant moves around like a snail and has a tongue. But it isn’t for eating women. Well, it sort of is…

Meanwhile, the Swedish Bikini Team is being bestowed the ranking of Dame Commander by the Queen Mum in London—the equivalent of Knighting a male. Helga misses it, due to the previously mentioned Amazon expedition, and the team finds out Helga’s been killed. The team is just beginning to go through her remaining items when their boss gives them a new mission—track down Joe Datsun. Since time is of the essence, they’ll have to rush the funeral proceedings. Helga’s fake grave site is at plot 36D. They buy some props and stage a fake burial in Stockholm.

Joe Datsun is working with a computer geek to trade nuclear weapons. The bad guys are mixing up a batch of radioactive goo and putting it into tankers while wearing wildly insufficient protective gear. The bad guys’ boss, Gustav, is running the show from Vegas, and he’s sending his henchmen to do a number of bad things with the radioactive goo. Actually, I’m not sure where the goo ends up, they just suddenly quit talking about it.

Interpol, under the direction of Roger That (yes, that’s his name), captures Big Peter and the Leather Nun with a bagful of counterfeit cash. They interrogate them, but come up with no good leads. Then, for some reason, Big Peter and the Leather Nun disappear. I think their scenes could have been cut and made this film a bit shorter.

Never Say Never Mind JRD

In a completely unrelated scene, the Bikini team is seen judging the International Bikini Team Federation Open Finals (the only acronym in the film that doesn’t spell something asinine). There’s a performing act—the Big Beautiful Babe Bikini Team that absolutely steals the show while the crowd claps along, completely off the beat. Beverly Hills Bikini Team is on next. Then, the British Bikini Team. Way to work bikinis into absolutely none of the actual plot, Mr. Director!

The bad guys have paid the computer geek to plant a bomb on the top of Big Ben. The Swedish Bikini Team has to disable the bomb via a laser sent from space to melt the detonating device. Unfortunately, the weather in London (always rainy) diffuses the laser and doesn’t deactivate the bomb. The girls, even though they’ve spent hours trying to deactivate it from afar, simply have to climb to the top of Big Ben and turn off the device by hand.

Never Say Never Mind Dance

Meanwhile, Joe Datsun has had plastic surgery to disguise himself. And things get confusing as to who is trying to save who and who is who’s boss. It’s difficult to determine what the plot twist actually is unless you listen closely. There is a suitcase bomb this time and the Swedish Bikini Team has to track it again and disarm it with the laser device that didn’t work the first time.

The accents are what makes this movie so hilarious. Swedish, Indian, Irish, Russian, all are a tad over the top. The Swedish ones might be real, but the rest I question. The dialogue is pretty bad, as are the hilarious poses the girls strike at odd times. I’m not saying this movie is the worst I’ve seen, only that I question if it is bad enough for Bad Movie Night. I think if enough people are there to mock the action, hilarious gadgets they use, and the painful one-liners they use, it might be passable. It’s clearly a James Bond spoof, but not really all that well done. And keep an eye out for all the faces you’ll recognize from various other Hollywood projects—there’s a handful of people you’ll know. And sadly, the Swedish Bikini Team never actually appears in bikinis. Just awesome 80s skimpy outfits.

(2 out of 5 fus)

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I'm a cross between Taylor Swift and Danzig, with a small dose of Christpher Burke thrown in. I like fried foods wrapped in bacon and I collect B-movies and kung-fu films. I host a regularly-occuring Bad Movie Night for 20-30 of my closest friends—jealous, aren't you?

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