Schlock Shelf – Undefeatable
A guy with a sweet perm-mullet is a professional street fighter, but is too rough with his lady. His lady talks to her shrink and the shrink convinces the lady she should leave the guy because he’s a total douche. She leaves the guy (who claims he’s “undefeatable”) and the guy goes on a killing rampage—after spray painting two red skunk stripes in his mullet-y hair. He attacks any girl he sees in a flowery dress because his mind tells them it’s his long-lost lady. It’s actually an easy mistake, being that all of them have gi-normous 80s mall-hair and pretty much looked the same back then. He mutilates the ladies, after killing them kung fu style. It’s kind of a bummer for the ladies, frankly. Things get really bad when mullet-psycho-dbag kills and gouges out the eyes of the world karate champ, whom everyone in the world recognizes like he’s a common household name. This is only the tip of the iceberg for things that are simply not believable in this film.
The side story is about a tough (not really) red-headed girl who is also a small-time street fighter for money. She’s a member of an Asian gang, apparently (maybe that’s not weird, maybe there are a ton of gingers fighting for Asian gangs. I just don’t know). (It’s also quite apparent that during the 80s, Asian men exclusively date Caucasian women—I think this movie has some sort of political message or the producers were trying to make up for WWII or something.) She’s raising money to put her sister through med school. Mullet guy finds her sister (since she wears flowery dresses) and kung-fu kills her before gouging out her eyes. The now-angry red-headed fighter vows to seek revenge, so she goes on a fighting spree against rival street gang fighters trying to figure out who killed her sister. She is helping or being helped by a cop who also has martial arts training (and a crush on her).
I won’t ruin the ending, but I will say I’d never heard “YAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!” screamed for 15 minutes straight before, but now I can say I have. And in slow motion, to boot!
Everyone in this film either wears peg-legged dress pants or Zubaz, so be ready for that. I wasn’t prepared. You’re welcome. So yes, this film IS sort of like Fight Club, but with Zubaz. The acting in this movie is absolutely atrocious; however, you can amuse yourself by paying attention to the amount of non-contact fighting you’ll see. It is painfully clear that despite all the kung fu and punches thrown, no one was even accidentally injured by connecting with another person’s skin. Also, just for fun, pay attention to the gang members who obviously lose interest in cheering for their friends during fights. The voices are dubbed, so you’ll hear a lot of hollering, but then when you see the people who are supposed to be yelling, you can tell they’ve done this scene 413 times and are so bored they could scream—which is exactly what they’re not doing.
Finally, you need to pay special attention to the terrible music. On the music track, there is a piano player who can’t hold the tempo— it’s not a style thing, either. He just can’t stay with the rest of the band. Since I have a degree in music, this is especially painful for me.
Get a whole bunch of drinks together, put on your Zubaz, invite your friends over and enjoy ripping this movie apart with your friends. It sets standards for requirements for an awful movie…
(2 out of 5 fus)