Schlock Shelf – Zombie Strippers
Zombie Strippers. This movie is exactly like what you’d expect it to be, from the title. Add in the fact that Jenna Jameson is one of the main stars of the film, and you know you’re in for a clothing-minimal zombie movie. Add in Robert Englund (of Freddy Krueger fame) and you’ve just taken that zombie film to a new low-budget level.
Even though you don’t care about the plot, I’ll give it to you anyway. The government is developing some sort of virus that reanimates flesh. They planned to use it as a military weapon once they perfected it. They have a couple of loose zombies locked up in a facility of some sort, and they send in a team of commandos to eradicate them. One of the commandos gets bitten and then runs away—to a strip club.
The infected guy bites Jenna Jameson (after her way-too-long dance routine) and turns her into a zombie. Yes, a zombie stripper. She comes back out on stage and does a zombie dance that gets all the guys in the place riled up. Then she takes a fan backstage and eats him. Robert Englund is the owner of the illegal strip club and figures he can capitalize on the zombie stripper, since it’s bringing in money. The other girls see how well Jenna is doing with the cash and ask to get bitten as well. Soon, there’s a hoard (or whore-d) of zombie strippers—which subsequently brings in more fresh meat for the strippers to eat (and turn into more zombies). The extra zombies are then locked up in the basement.
The film is absolutely terrible when it comes to acting and special effects. They spent all their money on acquiring Jenna Jameson (who I’m SURE is expensive) and Robert Englund (who probably just needed a few dollars to eat, since he’s not doing much these days—and clearly isn’t taking any acting lessons in his free time). The special effects were really poorly done, and the CGI they added enraged me at first, then amused me, then went quickly back into enraging me. It was terrible.
The plot itself is, yes, ridiculous, but they could have at least made it funny (and possibly took out some of the non-funny racist jokes, which are everywhere). This would have been the perfect opportunity to make a REALLY funny zombie movie, and they blew it. Speaking of blowing, there were faaaaaaaaar too many stripping scenes. I actually said out loud, “I wish there were more zombie parts and less stripper parts” more than once. It was really quite boring during these parts and I wished they had hurried up. Yes, the first time was fine to set the stage with Jenna Jameson. Whatever—she doesn’t interest me, but you can’t have a movie called Zombie Strippers, unless there are actually strippers.
I will say this: it appears the strippers used in this movie are actually having fun dancing as zombies. There’s an energy on film so you can tell they had a good time when they weren’t required to speak and were wearing hilarious blood and latex fake wounds while gyrating to increasingly awesome music. For example, the music started with pretty odd (but standard) house techno whore-dancing music. By the end of the film, it turned into pretty awesome metal and hardcore breakdown-infused awesomeness. (I now hope there is a soundtrack available for this film…)
Depending on your persuasion, you’ll be amused at the numerous political messages about George W. Bush, Jenna Bush, and the NRA, including Robert Englund’s comment “The second Amendment says I have the right to own guns, not that I have to know how to use them.” Worth a chuckle at least.
Yes, this movie is filled with tons of gratuitous T&A, but eventually, it’s dancing corpses as the bodies look worse and worse. But if you’re watching this film, you’re probably not all that hopeful for an awesome plot, nor top-notch acting. It’s probably funnier in theory and concept than it is entertaining. If you see it on sale somewhere with a serious discount, consider picking up a copy.
(3 out of 5 fus)